


the glare of the lights

by maddy_does (favefangirl)



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe, Established Relationship, Insecurity, Jealousy, Love Confessions, M/M, Past Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers, Platonic Love, Romantic love, brief infidelity, it's a kiss that is then addressed, justified criticism of the US armed forces, mild references to alcoholism, some elements of canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 12:22:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29260419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/favefangirl/pseuds/maddy_does
Summary: The last year Tony has had with Steve has been one of the best in his life. He wouldn't give it up for anything. But nothing is perfect - certainly not him. If he doesn't get out of his own head, he might just lose everything.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Natasha Romanov, Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Comments: 2
Kudos: 26





	the glare of the lights

**Author's Note:**

> This is a rewrite of my first ever published fanfic on this site - [In The Public Eye](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6021382) \- to mark five years of me being active on here.

The light caught the whiskey in his glass as he swirled it, arm draped loosely over the side of the couch, body slumped against the cushions. An as-yet-unreleased movie played on the screen in front of him, but he hadn’t paid attention since he’d turned it on. Instead he’d spent the last hour watching the alcohol but being unable to take a sip. He checked his phone intermittently, but there were no notifications. He was starting to drive himself crazy.

Some might call it paranoia, this uncomfortable weight on his chest every time he so much as thought about the way Steve and Barnes looked at each other. He knew it was platonic, the reasonable part of his brain told him so every time he saw them together, they were old friends - _best_ friends, Tony could respect that. He and Rhodey were best friends. He understood how important that connection was. Still, more often than not the reasonable part of his brain shut off, making way for a dangerous line of thinking which told him that even though he and Steve had been dating for over a year now, Steve had eyes for someone else.

No one had been more shocked than Tony when MIA, presumed dead, Sergeant James Barnes burst into their lives. (He had eyes and ears in the Pentagon, he should have heard about it first.) Barnes had gone missing before Tony had even met Steve, and he hadn’t needed Steve to tell him that the Sergeant was on a highly classified mission somewhere in the Middle East. Steve had acknowledged, however reluctantly, that it was the kind of place that if Bucky was missing, he likely wasn’t coming back. 

Maybe there was a God, then, when he’d rocked back up, completely out of the blue, in New York. Alive, well, even if sporting a ridiculous haircut and a dodgy prosthetic - Tony had sorted that out right away, and not just to receive the full extent of Steve’s thanks for it. Naturally, Steve had welcomed his friend home with open arms. Just- maybe those arms were open a little too wide for Tony’s liking.

The anxiety hadn’t started with Barnes. Sure, Steve’s oldest and most intimate friend returning from the dead hadn’t helped Tony’s fears, especially given how convinced he was that they had been a bit more than just buddies back in the day. But, he had been nervous long before Barnes’ resurrection. 

Steve was adamant they had to be a secret. No one knew about them. Really, no one. How Tony had managed to keep the secret so well given the number of people he had hovering around him at any one time was quite beyond him, but he had. At first he’d been in complete agreement, wanting to protect what they had from prying eyes. But a year later, when Steve freaked out over a mere insinuation he might tell Rhodey he was dating someone, he was beginning to get a little twitchy at Steve’s surety on the matter.

He cited his job as his main motivation. DADT may have been repealed, but it wasn’t easy for people like him. The army was still a boy’s club, a breeding ground for toxic masculinity and right-wing moronity, and Steve didn’t want to have to deal with any of that. Tony respected that, he wasn’t going to force Steve out of the closet if he wasn’t comfortable, and he never wanted to make his life more difficult. Hell, sometimes he even got off on the clandestine nature of their relationship, a small thrill about sneaking Steve out and managing to keep even Pepper - whose omnipotence could outrival God herself - in the dark.

But sometimes he just wanted to take his boyfriend out for dinner and be able to hold his hand. Sometimes, he wanted to tell Rhodey where to stick his jabs at Tony’s apparent celibacy, because look who he had waiting for him at home. Sometimes lying to the people he loved was a hardship, and a drain, and he just wanted to show off his man, even if in the relative privacy of his home, amongst their friends.

Tony’s irritation at the secrecy sometimes turned to anxiety, and he couldn’t help but worry if maybe _he_ was the reason Steve didn’t want to go public. He had the money, sure, the fame, and the looks, too, he would like to think. But Steve wasn’t into any of that. He found the bravado an annoyance, the playboy image a bore. He liked _good_ people. People who wanted to do and be better. People like his friends - Sam, Nat and Clint, all risking their lives to protect others. People like Barnes.

And Barnes had _years_ on him. Tony had the one, and he liked to console himself by thinking that maybe he knew Steve pretty well. He knew what he liked or didn’t in any situation, knew how to make him happy - but he could never compete with the kind of intimate knowledge Barnes had. They’d been friends since they were children, they grew up together, Barnes probably knew Steve better than he knew himself.

Tony was older, too. He looked well for his age, or at least that’s what everyone told him, but the years of angst and partying were starting to take their toll. He was getting softer now, in every mortifying sense of the word - he’d even had to start wearing reading glasses at night. Steve was in the prime of his life and he’d just got his best friend back (his _very_ handsome, _very_ well-built best friend, Tony might add, but tried not to because he wasn’t _that_ petty). There were all kinds of things Steve might want to do now that Tony could never offer him for all the money and the fame in the world. 

Steve said that what they had was special. He was a poet and a sentimentalist, and Tony adored that about him, despite his best efforts not to. He would kiss him softly while they laid in bed - with more and more clothes on these days, which was a tragedy in itself - and tell him how he’d never cared for anyone like this before, how he liked that they were different, liked the ways they challenged each other. Tony never said, but he couldn’t help but wonder every time if love was ever meant to be this hard.

The ‘L’ word scared him. He knew that made him a coward, but it did. Because if somehow he was right, if all his darkest fears came true and he had just been a buffer until Barnes came home, if Steve left him, Tony knew his heart would shatter into a million pieces. He was sure the damage would be irreparable. He’d never felt this way before, never allowed himself to become this invested. He looked at the whiskey in his hand and shuddered at the realisation that the drink was his longest meaningful relationship. He felt sick at the thought. Losing Steve would destroy him, yet every day felt like he was slipping further and further away.

Like then, as Tony lay slumped on his couch not even pretending to watch the movie, Steve was out with his friends, with Barnes. They were no doubt at the bar in Brooklyn that Steve loved which Tony - strictly as a friend - had accompanied them to a few times; with cheap beer and bad music and some guy younger than Tony who still called Steve ‘Kid’. 

Steve had said he would call to check in, let Tony know he was safe. He’d promised with such a fond look in his eye that for a moment, Tony had had no doubts at all about any of it. Now he was wondering if maybe that had just been a trick of the light.

Steve hadn’t called yet and it was starting to make Tony antsy, then guilty when the thoughts that something might have happened - was Steve in trouble? Hurt? _Dead_? - were consolations to the alternative; a viscous mental image of Steve and Barnes trading blow jobs in a dingy bathroom stall. He was tempted to call and put himself out of his misery either way, but then reminded himself how crazy he was being. Steve had every right to be out with his friends, even Barnes, and Tony shouldn’t expect to be the centre of Steve’s attention every waking moment.

After a third aborted move towards his phone he sighed and caved, tossing back the whiskey. Surprising no one, it didn’t help. He was being stupid. Lazing around on his own in his living room like the sad old man he was so scared of becoming, ignoring the fact that he was _Tony Stark_ , the man who would never grow old nor poor. He was on the guest list to every major event being held in the city that night, every fundraiser or banquet or celebrity birthday party. Yet he was sat around like an idiot making himself feel bitter and angry at the world and himself over what was a figment of his own imagination. 

He scrubbed a hand over his face roughly, then swiftly climbed to his feet. He made his way in the direction of his bathroom to shower and get ready, grabbing his phone as he went. He called Pepper, and it rang only three times before she answered. She said hello with such acidity Tony felt the burn of it from there.

“Good evening to you too, Pep,” he replied sarcastically. “Get your best dress on, we’re going out.” He didn’t give her time to answer before he turned off the call and tossed his phone onto the counter. “Jarvis,” he said. “Play my happy playlist.”

To the sound of AC/DC blasting through his speakers, he got undressed and began to process of making himself feel like Tony Stark again.

* * *

Across the city, Steve was sat alone at a booth drawing lines in the condensation on the table. He was having a good time, really. They’d been doing shots most of the night - tequila, which Steve loathed but Natasha loved - and now his friends, three out of the four completely wasted, were on the dance floor flailing around to the crappy pop-rock Pop had playing through the speaker. Steve chuckled at Bucky’s terrible dancing from across the room, shaking his head and tapping a coaster against the veneered wood of the table.

It was still a novelty, having Bucky home. He was alive. 3 years MIA out in the Middle East, presumed dead even by Steve, then to walk back into his life alive and (mostly) well. It had felt like a dream. He’d cried as he’d embraced him, in the middle of Tony’s living room where Colonel Rhodes had met them planning for a veteran’s fundraiser. It hadn’t felt real at first but it was. Bucky was.

They’d spent a lot of that night talking out on Tony’s balcony as Tony and the Colonel took over the planning. Bucky hadn’t been able to tell Steve all that had happened to him, a lost was lost to amnesia triggered by the trauma, and a lot he didn’t yet know how to voice, but Steve got the gist and it had his stomach in knots. Bucky had asked if Steve was seeing anyone. They’d been together since they were kids, but three years was a long time to be lonely. Steve had denied it, but there had been a glint in Bucky’s eye like he didn’t quite believe him. Bucky had met Nat through his retrieval mission and even Steve, who was notoriously bad at picking up on romantic signals, could see that there was something more there. He was happy. Really, truly, happy. 

He watched as they danced together as if no one else was in the room. They were completely captivated by one another, the intensity in their gazes visible even across the distance and under the poor lighting. It was good, seeing Bucky content. He moved his mental arm to wrap tighter around Nat’s waist, and Steve had to swallow down the emotions that brought up.

Tony had made that for Bucky once he’d seen what he was working with from the army' prosthetics. Bucky hadn’t stopped thanking him, but the selfish part of Steve said Tony had done it for him. He was just as grateful, even if Tony acted like it was nothing. Tony was always doing that, acting like he wasn't generous and kind, or if he was, acting like it was only ever some kind of recompense for all the bad he’d done in his time. It killed Steve that Tony didn’t see how _good_ he was.

They’d been dating for one year, two months and eight days. Not that he was counting. It felt like a lifetime and not long enough all at once. Steve didn’t think he’d ever want anyone else again after Bucky, but then he’d met Tony by accident through the Colonel, and he’d taken his breath away. Tony was beautiful. He’d deny it of course, call himself old or washed up, but he’d be wrong. He was stunning, even for the streaks of grey in his hair and the lines starting to appear around his eyes. They were the story of his life - all the years of it Steve had missed, and he would be damned if he had to miss any more.

He was in love with him. Absolutely, heart over heels, in love with him. That scared him more than anything, more than any assignment, even more than the hell his fellow soldiers might give him if he ever dared tell anyone. He didn’t want to be out at work. He only had a year left before he was up for promotion, and if he got it he’d land a kushty office job somewhere where it wouldn’t matter who shared his bed, but that wasn’t why he wanted them to be a secret.

He saw how much Pepper and the Colonel loved Tony. They felt for him they way Steve felt for Bucky, and he knew there’d be hell to pay if he ever hurt him. In truth, he was afraid they wouldn't approve. Tony trusted them both unquestionably, and if they said they felt Tony would be better off without him? Well, Steve wasn’t sure Tony wouldn’t take that as gospel. Losing Bucky had nearly killed him, and there was no doubt in his mind that losing Tony would surely finish the job. He kept moving the goalposts in his own mind about when he would be ready to tell people about them, but even he didn’t know.

Watching Bucky and Nat, though, as they swayed together in their own orbit in front of all these people, despite what people might think of them, despite the potential for disapproval, despite that they might break each others hearts - all those reasons Steve had for wanting to keep he and Tony a secret suddenly seemed to melt away. He struggled to understand why he had been denying he and Tony that kind of happiness for so long.

Decisively, he tossed back the rest of his beer and stood up. He paid his and his friends' tab, despite Pop’s insistence that it was on the house for his favourite kids, then pulled on his coat as he began to make his way out of the bar. Before he reached the door, Sam grabbed his arm and asked him what was going on.

“Sorry,” Steve said, looking past him at where Nat was giggling as Bucky whispered something into her ear. “I just remembered there was somewhere I needed to be.”

He left Sam bewildered as he pushed out of the bar into the chill of night air, turning the collar of his coat up against the wind. He hailed a passing taxi, and let himself grin at the shocked look on the driver’s face as he gave him Stark Towers as the address. He watched the city roll by as the driver pulled off the sidewalk, and felt a delicious nervous energy deep in his stomach. He was going to do it. He was going to tell Tony he loved him. His heart pounded in his chest, but still he felt lighter than he had in years.

* * *

“Mr Stark!” A reporter called, “Would you be so kind as to do an interview for us? We’re with the Daily Bugle.”

Tony scanned the faces of the reporters until his eyes rested on a pretty blonde woman with soft brown eyes. She tucked a perfect curl behind her ear, and shot him a pleasant smile. Tony had to hand it to her, she was good. Tony looked at where his driver was waiting by his car and held up a finger. Happy nodded solemnly, and Tony made his way over to the reporter. As he approached he could see the dangerous sparkle in her eye, even as she wore the butter-wouldn’t-melt expression perfectly.

“Of course,” Tony agreed easily, straightening his suit out as he stepped in front of the camera. He shot a smirk at the kid behind the camera whose eyes widened as though shocked someone would acknowledge his existence, let alone _Tony Stark._ “Anything for a pretty lady.”

The blush on the reporter’s cheeks looked real, even if everything else about her demeanour was fake, from the innocent smile to the dress that was cut just low enough to keep an audience’s attention, without being too low that the complaints would roll in. “Mr Stark, what brings you here today?”

“Free booze,” was Tony’s immediate reply when the microphone was held out to him. Everyone chuckled, even Pepper who was stood just out of shot of the camera. She raised an eyebrow at him, and Tony knew the heat was on.

He hadn’t been out in months, so much more content to be at home with Steve, cooking dinner or watching a movie. These kinds of public self flagellations were tedious, and despite Pepper getting on at him about how image was everything for the Stark brand, and that staying at home instead of wearing a model a quarter of his age like an accessory to events like this was distinctively _not on brand_ , Tony hadn’t bothered to put himself through them when he had the option of such superior company.

She was thrilled when Tony went to pick her up for this - some kind of foundation dinner for a deaf-blind child charity to which Tony had been a generous donor for some years. The dinner was to thank those who had already helped, and to inevitably ask for more support. Tony had agreed, even if only to make suffering through three hours of dull speeches and a dry chicken alfredo worth it. If nothing else, showing his face had made Pepper happy. Maybe now people would stop using the twitter tag #searchforstark, too.

“No, no. When you’re as fortunate as I am you have a moral obligation to help those who’re less so. I could spend my billions on fast cars and new yachts but we live in New York and once you’ve seen one ocean you’ve seen them all.” He raised an eyebrow at the camera and fiddled with his jacket button, relived when even such a poor joke received a slight chuckle from his audience. “Better to do something good with it, right?”

Once upon a time he’d been all about the fast cars and the parties and the girls, but not so much now. Maybe it was because he was getting old, or maybe it was Steve’s influence, but he didn’t care for any of it anymore. He liked to help where he could. Lord knows he had enough to go around. Plus, when he did things like this, he could almost kid himself that he was the kind of man Steve wanted after all.

Evidently bored of this line of questioning, the reporter decided to change tact and asked, “You’ve been single for quite some time now, why is that?”

Tony opened his mouth to answer then caught sight of Pepper over the reporter’s shoulder. She had one perfectly shaped eyebrow raised and her arms crossed firmly over her chest. Tony knew this was his queue to flirt. To be the playboy everyone already thought he was. She didn’t know about Steve, but she was observant (much like the rest of the world, clearly) enough to recognise that it had been so long without his usual casual flings. This left him two options: confess that he was secretly an old romantic and had finally settled down - which would lead to questions which he couldn't, and Steve _wouldn’t_ answer - or deny.

“I intimidate women,” Tony replied, forcing a grin even as he felt the urge to grimace at his own words. But he was an actor, and this his script. The reporter, unsurprisingly, didn’t look convinced. He managed a chuckle that felt like chewing glass. “See, when you’re as handsome, intelligent, funny-”

“Modest,” the reporter teased.

“Yes, that too,” Tony agreed, faux serious. “When you’re Tony Stark it’s only natural people are intimidated.” She raised an eyebrow at him, clearly unimpressed. “Remind me, we are still living in the 60s, yes?” She laughed, and Tony’s responding smile wasn’t so forced as his previous ones had been. “No, I’m just a really fantastic kisser. It scares women off.”

“Really?” the reporter asked, and from the glint in her eye, she clearly saw where this was going, too. “Fantastic?”

“Yes,” Tony insisted. He looked at Pepper who was also with the programme and who was very subtly giving him a thumbs up. “Allow me to demonstrate.”

He held her head with one hand and wrapped the other around her waist as he tilted her to the side and pressed a gentle kiss against her lips. It was the kind of antics he was famous for, this frivolous affection and overt sexuality, but he felt completely numb. Two years ago, maybe, he would’ve been slipping her his number as he gently righted her, but now he felt nothing towards her. He was just going through the motions of the scene.

“Now, if you’d excuse me, people and places and all that,” he said with a wink, and then turned to make his way to where Happy was still standing stoically by the car. A slight quirk of his mouth told Tony all he needed to know about his friend's stance on the matter.

“Well done,” Pepper mumbled into his ear as she caught up with him and took his arm. 

Happy opened the door for them, and Tony gently guided her into the car, before giving the crowd of reporters one final wave, and getting in next to her. “Home, please,” he said as he closed the door. Pepper was already scrolling through the tweets that were coming in about it, and he did his best to swallow down the sick feeling that was rising in his throat.

* * *

Tony leaned against the back of the elevator, loosening his tie as it jerked into life and sped towards the penthouse. Happy was taking Pepper home, and she’d offered him one more bout of praise before he’d left, telling him how glad she was that the real Tony Stark was back. He’d smiled through the pain, but it had quickly disappeared as soon as his back was turned. It didn’t feel like the real Tony Stark. Kissing the reporter, trying to make a splash online, it all felt synthetic. The real Tony Stark was the man who traded soft kisses with his boyfriend over pancakes in the morning, or who sent flowers to his apartment so he’d have something pretty to come home to, or who would lounge around in jogging bottoms eating Reese’s cups and watching bad 80s movies.

He exhaled sharply as the elevator doors opened to his floor. He stepped into the apartment and noticed Steve’s shoes set neatly by the door, and his jacket hung up on the coat rack. He couldn’t help but smile at the sight - his first real one all night - always feeling infinitely happier and more comfortable in the knowledge that he would be seeing Steve. 

Smiling, he would learn, was perhaps the worst thing he could be doing at that moment.

He rounded the corner and found Steve sitting stony faced on the couch, staring at the blank TV. Tony shucked off his own jacket and threw it haphazardly across the back of the couch. He ran a gentle hand through Steve’s hair as he passed, walking to grab a beer out of the fridge. He was more of a spirits man himself, but he knew Steve liked them, and sometimes the mood would strike him, too.

“Hey,” Tony greeted as he grabbed the bottle opener out of the drawer, “I thought you were out?”

“I was,” Steve replied, and Tony immediately noticed how tight his voice was. He frowned tossing the bottle opener away into the drawer as he walked back over to where Steve was sat.

“Did you not have a good night?” Tony asked, leaning against the arm of the chair, and watching Steve’s immobile face carefully as he took a sip of the beer.

“Did you?” Steve countered, turning his head to shoot that hard glare directly at Tony. 

Tony’s eyebrows twitched into a frown before he huffed an uncomfortable laugh. “Are you being intentionally cryptic?” Steve pulled a face, staring over Tony’s shoulder as he shrugged. “Seriously,” Tony pressed, aborting his next sip of beer, “Are you okay?”

Steve finally looked at him again and his face was almost completely devoid of emotion. If not for the tension in his shoulders, Tony might have been able to kid himself that nothing was actually wrong. Steve lifted the remote which Tony hadn’t even noticed he was holding, and turned on the TV. Confused, frowning, Tony turned to watch and saw it was the news. Some reporter in a bodycon dress was talking about an earthquake in Japan. Tony was about to ask what on earth was going on, when he noticed which channel was on.

His heart stopped beating and his breath caught in his throat. God- he’d been so relieved that Steve was here, that they could spend the night together, it hadn’t even occurred to him that he would have to explain what had happened, why he had done it. His blood ran cold and he felt like he couldn’t catch his breath.

“Steve,” Tony breathed, turning his teary gaze away from the TV which was now showing a Fruit Loops commercial. “Please, let me explain.”

“Explain what?” Steve demanded, voice still tight, but his eyes were now starting to pool with tears, the only sign on his face of the fury he was no doubt feeling. “I’m fascinated to know why I had to watch you make out with some reporter live on national tv.”

Tony struggled to breathe, thoughts flying around his head so rapidly he couldn’t catch one to articulate it. “Steve,” was all he managed, a breathless, desperate plea.

Steve shook his head and stood up. He turned off the TV and tossed the remote onto the couch carelessly, before walking away in the direction of the door. The horrific reality of what he was about to lose was enough to propel Tony forward to catch Steve’s arm. Steve jerked out of his grasp like the touch stung, but was good enough to turn around, even if that meant Tony was left to face that awful, impassive expression Steve was wearing.

Tony sucked in a breath then forced it back out again and swallowed thickly. “It wasn’t real,” he explained, stiffly.

“Looked real.”

“It wasn’t.” Tony was insistent, taking an instinctive step forward. Steve merely took a step back and the few feet of distance between them suddenly felt like miles. “It was a show for the cameras. It meant nothing. I swear I was going to tell you about it.”

Steve pressed his lips together but a tear dropped anyway. “Right, and that makes it okay?”

“I’m sorry!” Tony sounded pathetic, even to his own ears. “I got caught up in the lights, and Pepper has been on at me about making more public appearances because of how much time I’ve been spending with you.”

“So this is my fault?” Steve demanded, taking another step back as though all the space in the world wouldn’t be far enough between them. “Because I’ve been forcing you to spend so much of your time with me?”

“No, God, this is coming out all wrong. I didn’t even want to go to the stupid fundraiser! But you were out with Barnes, and I was bored, and then I was there and in the moment I-”

Steve froze before letting out a bitter laugh. “Bucky?” He asked. Tony stopped rambling to frown at him. “This is about Bucky?”

Tony felt like the situation was slipping away from him and he didn’t know how to get a grasp on it. He wasn’t used to this - the being vulnerable thing. It was easier when it was all about pleasure and convenience, but when feelings were involved, when Tony felt like he was on the cusp of really, seriously, falling into the kind of head over heels love you could never crawl your way out of, the need to cling onto this was fierce. If their relationship was going under, Tony was going to drown with it.

“You’re jealous?” Steve demanded after a long stretch of silence.

“Yes,” Tony replied on a sigh, placing the beer bottle he’d been clutching down on his coffee table and ran his hands roughly through his hair.

“So you kissed someone else?”

“No,” Tony squeezed his eyes shut and sniffed sharply. He rubbed at his eyes to try and get rid of the tears before looking back at Steve. Hurt and fear mingled in his eyes, the soft blue a storm of emotions. “I’m jealous of Barnes because I see how close you two are, and I see how I could never compete with that. With him.” He shook his head, then figured what the hell. If it was going to shit now anyway, might as well shovel the whole thing. “I guess I figured that since he got back I’ve been living on borrowed time.” He sniffed again, then looked down at his hands. “I thought that the fundraiser might help get my mind off it, and it would get Pepper off my back for a while, and then it all spiralled.” He laughed at himself. He couldn’t help it. He sounded pathetic. “I know it’s unforgivable.”

Tony waited to hear the door slam. Steve had every right to walk out of there that very second and never look back. Tony wouldn’t blame him. It would break him, sure. There’d be no coming back from it, not from Steve. He wouldn’t be able to blame him, though. He deserved worse if he was being honest with himself, but then he’d never once deserved anything as good as Steve a day in his life, and by someone’s grace he’d gotten a year.

“Bucky is my best friend,” Steve said. Tony’s head shot up in surprise that he was still there. “I love him. I’ll always love him.” Tony nodded. He understood that. That had never been in question. “But for the last year, two months and eight days, it’s been you, Tony.” Steve took a shaky breath and when he next spoke, his voice didn’t sound quite so devoid of emotion. “I’m in love with you.”

Tony stared at him, dumbfounded. “You’ve been counting.”

Steve shrugged and looked down. A pretty dust of pink spread across his cheeks, and Tony’s heart soared in his chest. God this man. God he loved him. And it could only be the work of God, or any other divine being that might be out there, that somehow he loved him back. It felt like a dream. The whole thing was too surreal, and so much more than he could ever dare to hope for.

“I love you too,” Tony managed to add.

“Yeah?” Steve asked, sounding so unsure it broke Tony’s heart all over again.

“Of course. I’d be an idiot not to.” He smiled, then it slipped away almost as quickly as it had appeared. “I am an idiot. But I swear to you, Steve, that reporter meant absolutely nothing to me. That doesn’t make it okay, I know, but I will do whatever it takes to try.”

Steve watched him for what felt like an eternity, and Tony was still braced for him turning to leave. He was sorry. Sorrier than he’d ever been about anything before, but that didn’t make anything better. Sorry was just a word, however much he meant it. Steve watched him with an expression on his face that Tony couldn’t read, but there was something in his eyes that allowed him, even for just a second, to have hope.

“Well,” Steve said, then swallowed thickly. “I guess you could start by kissing me.”

Tony felt like was about to collapse under the weight of his relief. He rushed forward and pulled Steve into a kiss that set his body on fire, such a stark contrast to the nothingness he’d felt earlier. He knew they still had a lot to talk about. The situation wasn’t fixed, not by a long shot. He had to work on his jealousy and he had to rebuild Steve’s trust, and Steve would have to learn how to relax into being out around their friends, learning to lean into to Tony’s casual touches instead of flinching away. But, as Steve wrapped his arms around Tony’s waist to pull him in closer, Tony felt hopeful for the first time and figured, actually, everything might be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> an a/n on the rewrite: i've aged them up. in the original tony was 38 and steve was 25. that's so young and i was acting like they were ancient lmao. tony is now 50s and steve is 30s. it felt more appropriate to use pepper as tony's pa, and then to pad out steve's character by giving him stronger relationships and thus an explanasion for his sudden change of heart about telling tony rather than keeping nat in that role. i changed to sharon from peggy because for some reason it felt weird to use peggy. idk why sharon felt less weird, maybe because of her awkward role in the mcu anyway as a temporary love interest in canon, but idk. i still couldn't figure out how to write tony in character and not some pathetic, whiny mess whilst keeping the plot of the story :(. today i probably wouldn't write about the cheating, but i wanted to try and keep the original narrative as much as possible - obviously convos need to be had about everything but the work felt finished without them. plus, i tried to explain away tony's actions as him taking on the role of an actor and it not being real, but cheating is still cheating and even though steve does forgive it, i'm not endorsing the behaviour.
> 
> anyway, if you wanna leave a comment or a kudos they're much appreciated! especially let me know if there's something you think i forgot to tag! 
> 
> i'm taking prompts! if you're interested please drop the prompt in the comments below. if you do send a prompt be prepared for me to take fifty years to fill it because uni is so hard, but i promise i'll try! come say hi on tumblr: [@maddy-does](https://maddy-does.tumblr.com/)
> 
> thanks for reading, have a wonderful existence.


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